Saturday, July 4, 2009

I’m Scared

“We removed three polyps – one big one and two little ones. “ He stood at the foot of the stretcher with his hands on his khaki-covered hips looking somehow older than he should have. His hair was dark; his lightly tanned skin, smooth and unwrinkled. His oxford blue shirt was as unwrinkled as his face and the creases in his pants were sharp. His eyes, partially hidden by trendy dark-rimmed glasses, held no sparkle and, had his voice had any tone at all, it would have been one of arrogance. He explained that the polyps looked okay, but that, of course, we’d have to wait on the biopsy results to be sure. If there had been something bad, he was sure that the removal of the meanest looking polyp would have gotten it. “You’ll need to be scoped again in a year,” he explained and he turned to leave. “You’ll hear from me when we get the results.”

He would have been gone if I hadn’t stopped him to ask what I could do to keep the polyps from coming back. I’d be willing to bet that he thought I didn’t see his shoulders slump with irritation as he turned back to answer my question. And answer he did. He gave the Universal Physician Response, the Med School 101 answer to all patient questions, whether it’s about treatment for ingrown toenails or how to keep hair from growing out of the bottom of your feet. “Lose weight, exercise and eat lots of fruits and vegetables.” And then he really was gone.

Feelings of every color created a vibrant collage on the canvas of my psyche. I felt dislike for the wooden-faced doctor. I felt gratitude for the kind, proficient nurses who had cared for me. I felt giddy and fuzzy thanks to the lovely medication that had been shot into my IV prior to the procedure. I felt warm, gooey love for my sweet daughter who had waited with me, talking grown-up talk and telling me about the plans for her life. I felt hungry and thirsty and ready to go home. But I didn’t feel fear or worry.

After Dr. McNotdreamyatall finished his totally-without-feeling lecture talk, I was free to go. I made the bumpy wheelchair ride (I really could have walked!) down to the car and climbed into the passenger seat. Anna put the car in gear and we left the hospital. Mr. Fear and his friend, Ms. Worry, were nowhere to be seen.

Nor did they show up for lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant. We ate quesadillas and talked and giggled and enjoyed being together. When we finished, we stopped into the grocery store next door for the always needed just a few things and then headed home. I took a long, delicious nap undisturbed the troublesome pair and woke up feeling refreshed.

Later, JD3 came home from work and I told him all about my day. Fear and Worry didn’t try to interrupt or give their account of the happenings. I don’t know where they were, but they weren’t hanging around when we decided that we needed Japanese food for supper. They didn’t ride to the restaurant with us (yes, we ate out twice in one day!) they didn’t join us at our table and they didn’t ride back home with us.

But they were there in all of their hateful glory, Fear and Worry, waiting for me when I walked in the back door. They had sneaked in through a tiny crack in my faith. Each picked a shoulder to sit on and there they’ve been ever since. Sometimes, they’re very quiet and I’m just vaguely aware of their presence. Sometimes, when I’m minding my own business and just doing the things I do, I can feel them breathing down my neck. Sometimes, I feel like I’m just being silly and that they were never there at all. That’s when they dig their claws into my shoulders and whisper nasty, mean things in my ears; “What if…” and “It could be…” And once again, I’m scared.


southerninspiration said...

Chase away your fears with Isa.41:10....I hope you are able to keep them at bay. When we get tired, we do seem to succumb to the ugly heads of Fear and worry. I hope your trust will be in the GREAT Physician who can truly care for you.


The Greggs said...

Bee, when was this?

Tom and Cindy said...

I hardly know what to say. That is something for me! I am sending all my friends the link to your blog. You are dealing with Enemies that we all deal with at some point in our lives. This 'enemy' requires too much of our time. Robs us of valuable time we could be spending doing something else. Enjoying time in our lives that will be missed when we spend time with them.
May God..the Mighty Lord of Lords...give you the peace and calmness that only He can give.

deb said...

and let that fear go out that all may unburden you a bit.
and let that fear remind that we are gifted of every moment.

sherri said...

We all go through this over one thing or another- you've described it very well.

When I find myself feeling particularly fearful, sometimes I put in the BIBLE ON TAPE series I have and just let it play throughout my home. Even I'm busy and not even paying attention, I find that the atmosphere in my home changes, as peace settles in my heart. PEACE is more important than health, wellness, prosperity, etc. Just give me some "peace that passes all understanding" and I'm good to go!

I'll be praying for you, for your health (you'll be fine) and for your PEACE of mind.

Doodles said...

smooches, hugs (lots) and prayers always

Anonymous said...

You know, you can talk to me about this, right? I don't want you to think you can't, or that I'll get frustrated and tell you you're being silly. I know I do sometimes, but I won't about things like this. I love you.

Sweet Annabelle said...

Hey! I've had that doctor at the end of my bed, too! Didn't like him either! Yes, those two, F and W, visit me, also! What is going on?? hahaha

I agree with SouthernInspiration - they only leave when I turn to the Great Physcian again.

Praying for you,


Chris said...

Darlin' Bee,

I am praying and thinking of you during this anxious time. I know this is so not fun...

dede said...

I hope the results are quick and happy! You will be in my prayers!

Dawn said...

i guess this just still leaves me breathless... especially reading it again. but i do love that you were able to ward off the worry and fear for a while... letting life seep in and hold you together.

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